It's been so long.......

I know I haven't been posting over here like I should. You know, life, it just gets so busy and other things begin to take priority. However, the holidays are fast approaching-pft, they are here aren't they? We just finished Thanksgiving a few weeks ago; in two weeks Christmas will be upon us. It's funny how time flies....

.......right, our parents told us that while we were growing up didn't they.........

This time of year is often difficult for people. Suicide rates go up and holiday related depression is common. I fight a little of that myself. I feel like I live everyday in an oxymoron, but this time of year tends to magnify those feelings.


I love Christmas. It is by far and away my favorite holiday. I love the family. I love the decorations. I even love the crowds and the shopping; I LIVE for the tradition. We have long established rituals in this household-things I hold on to desperately, even as the kids outgrow them. We still read "T'was the Night Before Christmas". We also cut our tree every year. We have been doing since the girls were very small-I think they were 4 and 5 the first year. It is required every member of the family go. No boyfriends/friends/stray dogs allowed. This is a family event and until you adopt it, marry it, or otherwise get taken in, you are decidedly NOT invited. (I know, so mean.) We search out a new place every year to visit; we drive far-often over an hour. The search for a tree is never simple, quick or easy. We have tramped through mud, rain, snow, freezing temperatures and even a few nearly sweltering days to get the perfect tree.

The kids complain the whole time, "How about this one?" "What about that one?" "MOOOOOMMMM, seriously, how far are we going to have to walk???" and my personal favorite, "Dammit, JUST PICK SOMETHING! You're driving us crazy!" My family loves me and through these things I know it's true.

I'll never forget the one year I just couldn't make room in my schedule to go so far and spend so much time getting a tree. The weather had been particularly bad and my schedule particularly packed. I announced the Saturday before Christmas we would not be cutting our tree that year. We would instead go a lot and buy one like all the sane people in the world. When the protests and cries of fowl play and conspiracy started, I KNEW all the tradition and ritual had been worth it. These are the things that get me through when the dark tries to encroach......

We are on our way to get this years tree. In fact I write to you as we travel.......now, on the road. (How pathetic. I take my computer and Internet everywhere with me.) The girls sitting in the backseat of the truck, so grown; nearly done with me and ready to take flight on their own. They are young women now. Kelsey will graduate high school this year. Devon a junior. They will launch and falter many times over the years I am sure, but I will always be here for them.......as that is also a tradition around here.

When the sadness creeps in or memories try to shatter my mind, I just look at my girls. I have come so far, mostly because of them. I made every sacrifice for them; in turn they saved me.
I wanted them to have positive things to look back on in their lives. I wanted them to know they could count on things.......on me. Children need stability; they thrive on expectation of results or actions anticipated. They need to know no matter what else is going on, there are things that can be known beyond a shadow of a doubt. I needed that for them.

I need it for myself more I think......

Time has changed me. Time has healed me in ways I once thought impossible, but it is tradition that I hold on to dearly when I need a rope. It is the known and the expected that I created for my children that has given me what I need.

When I hear them talk about being grown up: not marrying a man who won't cut their tree; who will hold the weekly Sunday dinners; who gets custody of my 60-something Christmas Bears when I get too old and tired to put them out every year; it swells my heart and heals my pain to know they will have these things to remember about growing up. I have done right by them. No matter the mistakes I have made, they have had their childhood. They have been allowed to thrive, make their mistakes, and triumph in the face of adversity. I have been able to give that to them and THAT is what it's all about.

Merry Christmas my friend.