On love.....

We just passed another Valentine's Day.....a holiday mostly invented to make the card companies rich and give men another way to fail in the eyes of their women. I know that sounds jaded and I don't actually mean it that way, but it just seems like there are already so many ways to disappoint your spouse or significant other, do we really need a holiday to make it so? If you are really in love, shouldn't you celebrate that everyday? Is it meaningful to get roses that cost $50 one day and $30 the next? It's not that I don't believe in love or even celebrating it-I most assuredly DO-I just don't see the point of one specific day....I would rather my love know everyday I was thinking of them and how much they mean to me. But, take it for what it's worth-I'm but one female in a sea of many women..........


Valentine's Day always make me think about love. No matter that the holiday is a bit silly in my mind, (By the way, lest you think I am bitter-my Valentine's Day was fabulous and I would not trade that memory for anything.) it is a celebration of love. Love for a child. Love for family and friends. Love for your partner. It is a time to rejoice and revel in how wonderful it is to have people who love you and people to love back. Love is wonderful, no doubt. It is mystical and magical and different for every person.


Love is also a very powerful emotion. With love, you wield the power to render someone a blubbering mess or drive them to commit unspeakable acts. I can think of no other emotion but hate which holds that kind of power over humans. It motivates us to do things for others and it causes us so much pain. How is it that the most wonderful feeling can also be the worst feeling? How does one emotion control so much of our lives? Love is a mystery indeed........


Then, there are the questions of how you define love. People try to tell others all the time if they are or are not in love. They say it's too soon to fall in love......or it's been so long of course you're in love.


Some meet and marry within weeks or months and it lasts forever; always as in love as the day they met.


Some meet and date or even live together for years. Then as soon as they get married the destruction begins.


I do not think there is a magic number of days before you love someone. I do not think there is a magic combination of dating or living together that will make you more likely to succeed in your love. I do not think others can predict or determine one persons love for another. Each situation is unique and special unto itself. The only real predictor to the success or failure of love is honesty. If you are honest about yourself, natural and real from the first moment; honest with yourself, really knowing what you want and need from someone and honest with your intended about what you expect and desire, the rest will fall into place. Love shouldn't take any work at all. It should exist when and where it seems right. It should not be something that has to be worked at or thought about; it just is. Relationships are a different story. Relationships are a constant compromise and take a lot of work. Like a garden, they need tending and care to flourish. Neglect it too long and love will suffer. One should never confuse the love with the relationship....they are interdependent and intertwined, but still separate. If you have to work to love someone, it's not love. If you are disinterested in your partners needs, it's not love. Without love the relationship will fail and without caring about the relationship, love will die.


As I grow older I have come to realize that not only is every person different in what causes them to love another, but even each new love for a single person may be different every time. Some loves come slowly over time and some hit you out of left field. All love certainly has the capacity to grow stronger as time passes-these are the ties that bind us-but I do not think you can dismiss that which feels right, no matter the quantity of time. To do so would be foolish and could leave you missing out on the best love of all.......true love.

It's been so long.......

I know I haven't been posting over here like I should. You know, life, it just gets so busy and other things begin to take priority. However, the holidays are fast approaching-pft, they are here aren't they? We just finished Thanksgiving a few weeks ago; in two weeks Christmas will be upon us. It's funny how time flies....

.......right, our parents told us that while we were growing up didn't they.........

This time of year is often difficult for people. Suicide rates go up and holiday related depression is common. I fight a little of that myself. I feel like I live everyday in an oxymoron, but this time of year tends to magnify those feelings.


I love Christmas. It is by far and away my favorite holiday. I love the family. I love the decorations. I even love the crowds and the shopping; I LIVE for the tradition. We have long established rituals in this household-things I hold on to desperately, even as the kids outgrow them. We still read "T'was the Night Before Christmas". We also cut our tree every year. We have been doing since the girls were very small-I think they were 4 and 5 the first year. It is required every member of the family go. No boyfriends/friends/stray dogs allowed. This is a family event and until you adopt it, marry it, or otherwise get taken in, you are decidedly NOT invited. (I know, so mean.) We search out a new place every year to visit; we drive far-often over an hour. The search for a tree is never simple, quick or easy. We have tramped through mud, rain, snow, freezing temperatures and even a few nearly sweltering days to get the perfect tree.

The kids complain the whole time, "How about this one?" "What about that one?" "MOOOOOMMMM, seriously, how far are we going to have to walk???" and my personal favorite, "Dammit, JUST PICK SOMETHING! You're driving us crazy!" My family loves me and through these things I know it's true.

I'll never forget the one year I just couldn't make room in my schedule to go so far and spend so much time getting a tree. The weather had been particularly bad and my schedule particularly packed. I announced the Saturday before Christmas we would not be cutting our tree that year. We would instead go a lot and buy one like all the sane people in the world. When the protests and cries of fowl play and conspiracy started, I KNEW all the tradition and ritual had been worth it. These are the things that get me through when the dark tries to encroach......

We are on our way to get this years tree. In fact I write to you as we travel.......now, on the road. (How pathetic. I take my computer and Internet everywhere with me.) The girls sitting in the backseat of the truck, so grown; nearly done with me and ready to take flight on their own. They are young women now. Kelsey will graduate high school this year. Devon a junior. They will launch and falter many times over the years I am sure, but I will always be here for them.......as that is also a tradition around here.

When the sadness creeps in or memories try to shatter my mind, I just look at my girls. I have come so far, mostly because of them. I made every sacrifice for them; in turn they saved me.
I wanted them to have positive things to look back on in their lives. I wanted them to know they could count on things.......on me. Children need stability; they thrive on expectation of results or actions anticipated. They need to know no matter what else is going on, there are things that can be known beyond a shadow of a doubt. I needed that for them.

I need it for myself more I think......

Time has changed me. Time has healed me in ways I once thought impossible, but it is tradition that I hold on to dearly when I need a rope. It is the known and the expected that I created for my children that has given me what I need.

When I hear them talk about being grown up: not marrying a man who won't cut their tree; who will hold the weekly Sunday dinners; who gets custody of my 60-something Christmas Bears when I get too old and tired to put them out every year; it swells my heart and heals my pain to know they will have these things to remember about growing up. I have done right by them. No matter the mistakes I have made, they have had their childhood. They have been allowed to thrive, make their mistakes, and triumph in the face of adversity. I have been able to give that to them and THAT is what it's all about.

Merry Christmas my friend.